1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody
was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a
hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey
buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because
you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up
my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a
friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said
to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said, "I
don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and I look in the mirror...I feel
like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?"
He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he
leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone
is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper
four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in the
electric chair.
and finally....
I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
